Some of you may know, others may not but two years ago I started studying scientific approach to happiness. It began with me trying to make myself feel better when I was questioning what else there is to life besides a husband, kids, job and a typical suburban life. There was little excitement in my life at the time and every day felt kind of… flat. Don’t take me wrong, I wasn’t unhappy, but if someone asked me how I was I would say: “Fine… I guess.”  

  I didn’t want this to be my answer for the next 40-50 years. I wanted the spark and excitement back. I wanted to respond that I’m GREAT! (at least most of the time… because no one is truly great ALL THE TIME)

   Since I always loved math, statistics and science, instead of cheering myself up with massages and trips I dove into research behind happiness. I learnt mind blowing things. But it’s when I started to religiously implement what I learnt is when I noticed a big shift in how I felt. Nothing major changed in my life besides my own perspective on it and few small, but powerful habits. I not only felt excited and happy again (roughly 35% happier than before) but as a “side effect” of my happiness work many other areas of my life improved drastically: my physical shape and strength, my relationship with Ryan and the kids, my self-esteem.

  At the same time, I started noticing that more and more people are struggling (mentally) and are hugely dissatisfied with their lives. It’s a true epidemic of a modern world! (Now I know exactly why the modern way of life is contributing to unhappiness but this is a topic for another article.)

Long story less long, based on all that I learned about happiness, creation of habits and a value of human relationships I compiled a list of about 21 factors that, according to science, contribute to people’s happiness (this list is ongoing as I keep learning and reading 4-6 books a month on this topic).

This list itself wouldn’t be helpful for anyone, unless we make an effort to practice what’s in it. And how often do we ACTUALLY practice what we learn rather than just sharing it on social media for others to read but quickly forgetting about it ourselves? I know how often I read something eye opening, mean to try it but never actually do.

So that’s why the idea of a LIVE workshop was born. I wanted to not only tell people what they should do to become happier (we are told that all the time!) but also to help them practice it so the new way of thinking and acting would become as habitual as possible. So it can actually work as designed and make people feel happier. During the workshop you will be practicing new habits, interacting with other participants, taking self assessment tests, answering thought provoking questions, discussing your answers with others, giving and receiving support if there is struggle etc. This is an interactive workshop as opposed to a boring course or a lecture.

My workshop will work best for people who:  

• Are open minded and ready to change something in their life for the better
• Can stay committed for 8 weeks (90 minutes of zoom each week for 8 weeks plus 10-15 minutes of daily work on establishing good habits, practicing tiny mind shift etc.)
• Are supportive and friendly (this is a small group workshop and it’s important to connect with and support other participants)

This workshop will not be useful to anyone who:

• Has no desire/ energy/ time for improvement
• Is severely depressed (again, only because there may be an issue with staying committed, showing up and following through) If you are severely depressed, please seek help of a mental health professional! Don’t put it off! You should be the most important person in your life to take care of! <3
• Is perfectly happy and doesn’t see any room for improvement. I don’t know anyone like this (I oscillate between 80-93% happy on most days and always see the areas I could work on!) but if you do, send them to me for an interview! 😀

Logistics:

Duration:   8 sessions, 75- 90 minutes each, one session a week

Place: Video Zoom

FAQ

How many people in the group? We’re shooting for 3-8 people.

What do I need to prepare?  Nothing other than an open mind, quiet place, pen and paper.

What happens after the workshop? Do we get any support?

Everyone who completes this workshop will be invited to a private Facebook group (or Discord group, I haven’t decided on the platform yet) where we can keep connecting, supporting each other and hold one another accountably in the best, non-judgmental way.

Last weekend was one of the most emotionally loaded (80% extremally happy, 10% very sad, and 10% super exciting) I’ve had in years.

I call it “a weekend” while my husband calls it “a week,” and we are both sort of right. I left our house in New Jersey on Wednesday and came back on Tuesday just to spend three full days with my family in Poland where I grew up but haven’t lived in 19 years. I cried at least half a dozen times (not the actual audible, messy cry but, you know, the silent “I can’t let the tears drop or it will ruin my mascara right before the pictures” type of cry).

    But, let’s start from the beginning.

    A few weeks ago I found out that my two nephews are planning a big surprise party for their parents. My brother and his wife happened to be born exactly one week apart and were turning 50 this November. The idea was so sweet and thoughtful (surprise parties aren’t nearly as popular in Poland as they are in the US) that I immediately wondered if there was any way I could join my family for this special celebration. And since the party was a surprise, I would also keep my flying 4500 miles from the US a secret. I did something similar 14 years earlier — dressed as Santa and flew over to surprise my family during Christmas dinner. As you can imagine, their reaction was priceless. So, I was hoping to recreate a similar level of excitement for everyone with this surprise trip over a decade later.

    I was wondering how this idea would sit with my husband, whose top 3 most important things in life are me, our kids, and an uninterrupted nine- to ten-hour sleep a night. If you know him, you know that the only reason he would ever wake up earlier than 8:30am would be if there was a fire in the house or to fly to his own honeymoon (oh wait, forget it, he did pay extra for an afternoon flight; fire is definitely the only reason).

    As luck would have it though, during the previous weekend the clocks were changed and his old 8.30am wake-up time became 7.30am! Which is just in time to get the girls ready for school! The stars were aligning for me, so with most obstacles out of the way, all I needed to do then was find a ticket.

    Excited for my first solo trip in years, I thought it would be even more amazing if I could quickly stop over to some European city I hadn’t been to yet, like Amsterdam or London. I used to travel a lot in my pre-kid life and the drive to see a new place whenever possible is still there, even if I don’t act on it as often as before.

    I was hoping to use an old credit with United (for some trip that was canceled during the pandemic) or 120k miles on one of my credit cards to make it happen, but that turned out to be too much of a hassle. (If you’ve ever tried to book a flight with 3 destinations, you know that it often turns out almost as expensive as two separate trips.) So I just gave up on this idea and decided to buy the simplest: a direct flight from Newark to Warsaw. Flights from Newark are usually $200–$300 cheaper than from Philadelphia, and since getting to Newark adds only about 45 minutes to the drive, that airport became my usual departure point whenever I travel.

    Just out of curiosity, though, I decided to check flights from Philadelphia to Warsaw and found one for $510 (if you fly to Europe, you know this is an excellent price). The reason the flight was so cheap was because it had a… 23-hour layover in London on the way back! And yeah, most travelers just want to get quickly from point A to B. But not this one.

    I booked that flight with no hesitation, and within a few days, full of excitement, I boarded a plane to Warsaw. The trip took around 19 hours one way (including waiting at the airports and train station, a two-hour train ride, and a 20-minute taxi ride to my parents’ house).

    As I was getting off the cab across the street from my parents’ house, I first saw my dad on his bicycle leaving the house. He is a 72-year-old traditional Polish man who rarely shows emotions, but his face couldn’t hide them. Even though he was on his way to see a doctor because he wasn’t feeling well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much joy and happiness in him. My mom was right behind him and quickly ran toward me with the biggest smile, open arms, and words of disbelief. This was possibly one of the top 5 happiest moments of my life. Imagine living 4500 miles away from your parents for the last 20 years and visiting them almost exclusively in the summer and now suddenly showing up unannounced in November. The whole trip was worth it just to share this incredible moment with my parents. But… this was just the beginning, as I still had eight more people in my closest family to surprise. The only ones who knew about my secret visit were my middle brother and the oldest nephew. (I needed to confirm the date for the party, and knew I could trust them not to spill the beans.)

    The night that I arrived, after going to the doctor with my mom and dad, we spent the rest of the day and the entire next day just hanging out. At the age of 40, I, for the first time in my life, spent 24 hours alone with my parents while talking and drinking endless cups of tea. Back when I lived in Poland, prior to 2003, my brother and his family still stayed in the same house. And in the last few years, every time I visited I brought my kids and husband. So this really was the first time my parents and I spent together without any interruptions.

    Then I went to visit my middle brother, who knew I was coming. His 10-year-old son came down, saw me, and then ran up to tell his 15-year-old brother that I’m downstairs. My older nephew didn’t even react (convinced his little brother was lying) until he heard my voice and came to say hi, thinking his parents were on a video call with me. It was fun to see their confused but happy faces.

     The next day we all drove about an hour to my oldest brother’s neighborhood, a venue where the surprise double birthday party was about to take place. Together with over forty other people, we waited with the lights off until my nephews lured their parents into the best unexpected birthday celebration I’ve ever seen. There was a huge custom cake (in the shape of a sheep barn—more about that some other time), a DJ who also played the saxophone, and even some fireworks! But of course, the most incredible thing about the party was that my brother and his wife were both truly shocked. They hadn’t expected anything and certainly didn’t expect me to be there also. It was the most amazing evening full of astonished faces, warm hugs, kisses, laughter, toasts, and dancing.

    My entire trip was just loaded with so many extremely positive emotions so, not surprisingly, when it was time to be dropped off at the train station on Monday morning, I became overwhelmed with sadness. My life is in the US now. It has been for almost 20 years. But spending a long weekend with my closest family reminded me how much I’m missing. All because I chose to live four thousand miles away from them in a country that I now consider HOME and where my loving husband and children were waiting for me. I thought so many thoughts and felt so many feelings at that moment.

    I also remembered something from the book I had recently read. It was Happier Hour by Cassie Holmes, in which she talks about how to make sure we won’t take simple things for granted. For example, if you are dreading walking your dog or having dinner with your parents, she recommends stopping for a second and calculating how many of these simple events you have left and then figuring out what percentage of it already happened. You may realize that you only have about 10% of dinners with your parents left, or if your dog is older, only 5% of walks (of course these are just estimates, but the numbers are very powerful).

    Using this method, it didn’t take me long to realize how little time I have left with my parents. They are both in their 70s and I usually visit them only once a year for a week or so. The percentage of days we have together compared to those we have already spent together is depressingly low. That feeling of sadness lingered with me until I arrived in London and the excitement of being alone in a new city took over. London was great, but this story isn’t really about travel.

    So what is it about? Why am I sharing all these details about my previous week with you?

Here are the reasons:

• As we get married and have kids, we often direct all our attention and time towards our children and spouses, leaving very little of it to all the other important people in our lives. This trip made me realize how much I value the time spent with my parents and siblings. Especially because there is so little of it. Perhaps you may have a similar realization and be inspired to redistribute your time and attention among your loved ones more evenly.

• I’ve been studying the science behind happiness for the last two years, (let me know if you want to participate in my new happiness-boosting workshop. It’s in a testing phase right now!) and one of the most common ideas behind whether money can buy happiness is that yes, it can, but instead of buying things, you need to buy experiences. Better yet if the experiences are shared with others. The money I spent on this trip provided me and my loved ones with so much happiness! There is nothing I could buy that would have a similar effect on my well-being. You don’t know what to buy for Christmas? A great experience you can share!

• Constantly staying in our comfort zones and never deviating from our routines is a recipe for a… nice, monotonous life. But if we want to experience some extraordinary highs, we may need to do something different and unpredictable. Of course, it would have been easier to just text my brother “Happy Birthday” and avoid the “two hours of sleep” nights, exhaustion, and traveling for three full days, but would doing it make me even 10% as happy as going to see him in person? Not a chance.

• I hope I will inspire you to think about people that you are close to and how much time you have left with them (how many dinners, concerts, Christmases, or summers you have left together), and even if that realization makes you sad temporarily, hopefully you can make the best out of these remaining events together, as I also plan to cherish every day I spend with my parents. And maybe I can even see them twice a year from now on.

• Bonnie Ware, in her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying (a beautifully thought-provoking book, I recommend), tells us about the confessions of her terminally ill clients. Their biggest life regrets were almost always related to the neglected relationships and lack of self-love and courage to live the lives they wanted to live. I figured I will mention it here too because the idea of my trip was 100% inspired by this powerful message. I really don’t want to regret anything on my deathbed, and I believe you don’t either <3.

Here is also a short video of my trip: A week trip in 3 minutes

If you’re thinking, “Not much,” I am here to challenge you. 

A few months ago, while I was walking in downtown Philadelphia I saw a man and woman try to get into a Philly Pretzel Shop on 18th Street, but it was closed. 

The women turned to her partner and clearly disappointed, said, “Such a bummer, I wanted to try Philly Pretzels so bad.” 

All of this was happening just three feet away from me and since I happen to know the Center City very well, I told them there’s another Pretzel Factory just a few blocks down on 16^th street. 

“Oh, that’s great! We didn’t know. We’re just visiting from Austin and wanted to try the famous Philly pretzels. What’s the exact location?”

I proceeded to explain in detail how to get to 16th and Sansom St. They were both grateful and excited. As we walked away, I saw them head toward the second pretzel shop I told them about.

Then I got this sneaky idea…

Since I was going in that direction anyway, I decided I would head there too. I knew I could easily beat them to the pretzel shop, since tourists usually spend some time looking around when walking in a foreign city. Now I was on a mission.

Fortunately, this pretzel location was open like I had anticipated. I quickly entered, pulled out a five-dollar bill and told the cashier that in less than 5 minutes a couple of tourists from Austin would come and ask for pretzels. I asked her to give them five dollar’s worth of pretzels and tell them they’re from the woman they talked to about directions earlier. 

The cashier replied, “Sure, cool.” and off I went with my day. 

For the rest of the afternoon, I giggled to myself thinking about what their reaction must’ve been like.  After I told the story to my husband he commented, “Seems like this was a good use of $5. It made you so happy.”

I was going to leave my good deed at that but I was curious to know whether my plan actually worked or if my Texan friends had gotten derailed by another shop or restaurant and forgot all about the pretzels.

So, a few days later, to quench my curiosity, I stopped at that pretzel shop and asked the same cashier if the Austin couple came and got their pretzels. 

She smiled and said it was hilarious how shocked they were when they arrived, told the cashier they were from Austin and were handed free pretzels. 

Supposedly they kept asking for my name and phone number afterwards but the cashier didn’t have that information.

I was just so excited that my little trick worked and now I can imagine them telling this story to their friends back at home. Maybe they’ll even talk about how nice Philadelphians are (since that’s normally not what we’re known for)…

I thanked the cashier for playing along and as I was walking out, she turned to her co-workers quite excited and said, “Oh, guys, I forgot to tell you this funny story…” 

Over the last two years of studying everything related to happiness I learned that spending $5 on others can give us more happiness than spending $20 on ourselves.  

I tested this theory. 

And it worked 100%. Not only that, but for weeks following this event, whenever I thought about my sneaky idea or told someone about it I would get a boost of happiness. 

So, the next time you see an opportunity to surprise someone with a small, fun act of kindness that will cost you $5 or less, don’t hesitate. Just do it. It will not only make the person receiving your kindness feel great, but it will make you feel amazing too.

The current mental state of our country is in dire need of emotional CPR. The drama-filled presidential election of 2020, the pandemic-driven social isolation and the uncertainty of what next year will bring has contributed to the ever-present feeling of languishing at best, anxiety, depression and fear at worst.  

How To Be Happy

Many of us are looking for answers as to whether we can still be happy, and if so, how?

Even though our world has changed more in the last 5 years than in any other decade (who would’ve thought that smart watches, electric cars and overnight delivery services would be the norm right now?!), basic universal pillars of happiness remain the same. We just need to unbury them from the busyness and technological noise of the present. 

What are the unchanging pillars of a happy life and how do we bring them into our everyday routine? Here are the top 10 things that contribute to a happier, more content life.  

1. Social Connection

The more technologically advanced as a society we become, the harder and more awkward it feels to strike a conversation with a fellow stranger. We often limit ourselves to interacting only with people we know and when these relationships grow apart (as they often do), our social circle becomes smaller and smaller. At some point we start to feel lonely. This would not be an issue if we could recognize the importance of making new friends as adults, but no friendship happens overnight. It almost always starts as an interaction with a stranger. So if we stop ourselves from striking up a conversation in the Target checkout line, we are not only putting ourselves at risk of a depleted social network but are also missing out on the excitement that comes from human engagement. This is especially prevalent in the younger generation of Americans who are growing up knowing they can run any errand (be it picking up groceries, depositing a check, or grabbing a coffee) without ever interacting with another human. And the more they avoid human interaction, the more difficult and awkward it feels when one is needed.  

How can you be happier? Don’t assume people don’t want to talk to you. As long as you are friendly, authentic and don’t give off any creepy vibes they’ll probably enjoy a conversation that you start with them. And who knows, you may not only give yourself a happiness boost but make their day as well.

2. Spending Time In Nature 

There is something mysteriously calming about being in nature. Not much can top the peace and joy that comes from spending a day on the beach, hiking through the woods, or skiing down a mountain. In her book, The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky proves that sick patients in a hospital who had a view of nature or a park recovered faster than patients with just a parking lot view.  

So, if you want to feel better, instead of staying inside, try enjoying your lunch in the city park, reading a book in your backyard (if you have any green in it!) or bringing a plant to your office to elevate your mood. 

3. Making Time For What’s Important

We are all busy. In fact, for some silly reason busyness became a badge of honor to the point where if I don’t have any weekend plans I contemplate lying or making something up (I don’t though!). It seems like everyone around me has a “my schedule is full” or “weekends are hard for us because of XYZ ” kind of answer.  

I also like to be busy, as being too bored may be the only thing worse than being too busy but being booked to the point of having no time for spontaneity can be detrimental to our mental health. In her book, Happier Hour, Cassie Holmes finds that if we don’t have at least 2 hours of discretionary time a day (where we allow ourselves to do whatever we want) we feel overwhelmed and unhappy. Activities that contribute to our happiness but are semi-mundane usually don’t get scheduled (hanging out with your partner just for the sake of hanging out, having after-school conversations with kids, staying in bed a little longer on Saturday, etc.).

It’s important to allow at least 2 hours a day for leisure or whatever we feel like doing even if it’s only in 15–20-minute increments. So, go ahead. Make that phone call to your mom or take the kids out for ice cream on a random Thursday night. 

This is why when we are busy and things get cancelled, we often get excited. We usually end up doing something simple but enjoyable. 

So, don’t overschedule yourself. The fact that your distant relative is throwing a baby shower for your other distant relative or that your kids’ classmate (whom they don’t normally hang out with) is having a birthday party doesn’t mean you have to say yes. It’s okay to say no and allow for 10% of your day to be unscheduled. 

4. Love 

It all comes down to love, really. Whether it’s your parents, spouse, children, or your dog, spending time with someone you love is the best thing you can do for a happiness boost.  

Can I still be happy if I’m single and have nobody to love? Look at the other 9 pillars of happiness. The more you focus on them, the happier you will become. And the happier you become the higher your chance will be of attracting not just “someone” but the right person into your life. Because when we are happy and love ourselves, we don’t settle. We go for what we know is good for us. 

What if I’m married but lost “the spark”? If your marriage is worth saving (there must be a good reason why you chose to be together!) becoming a happier person may also inspire and energize you to rekindle that spark!  

5. Purpose 

It’s hard to remain excited about life if you lost touch with your “why”. Why do you get out of bed every morning? If you struggle to find motivation to live your best life, stop for a second and ask yourself, “What drives me? What is important to me? What do I want to be remembered for?”

The answer to these questions could be as simple as raising smart, happy and well-adjusted children or it can be improving other people’s lives from the work you do. It can also be volunteering or getting fulfillment from an existing side project you’re working on. 

Your answer could be as simple and small or as complicated and grand as you want it to be, but it’s important to know that your “why” is what drives you in life. 

6. Movement

Don’t we all know by now that daily exercise releases dopamine and endorphins which give us more energy and make us happier? It is recommended that an adult person spend at least 30 minutes on some vigorous physical activity on most days of the week. Exercise is an amazing mood boosting tool. 

I don’t know where I saw that “sitting is the new smoking,” (maybe on a website selling standing desks that I came across) but this statement is really not that far from the truth! 

The way an average person in the US spends their day today is so drastically different from what humans did 100, 50 or even 3 years ago. With 40 % of Americans working from home, we are at risk of sitting ourselves to death. 

So, if most of your day is spent being idle then you may really want to focus on changing that. Simple adjustments such as getting a fitness tracker that motivates you to get up or to take more steps is a good start to feeling better. As I mentioned, I am currently researching standing desks and under desk treadmills to add more movement into my day.  

7. Sleep

This is so simple yet so underrated.  Sleeping well may not solve all your problems but being sleep deprived will make it impossible to be in a good mood or stay positive throughout the day. Different people have different needs, but if you sleep less than 7 hours a night and wonder why your energy and spirits are low, you should start adding one hour of sleep to your daily routine. And then watch the difference.  

8. Self-Love

What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror? If it’s anything other than something positive like, “Hey gorgeous, you’re cool, I like you” then why is that?  

You are the only you there is.  Sometimes we think we should accomplish something big or lose 30 lbs. to start liking ourselves, but for the sake of our own mental health, the order should be reversed. Learn to like yourself first and then accomplishing things will not only feel easier but will also be a lot more fun, because you’ll be doing it for a person you already respect and like 😀

How do you learn to like yourself though? 

One way could be trying to re-wire the way you think about yourself. 

Write down 5 things that make you unique and awesome and tape that note to your bathroom mirror. Every time you feel a crappy thought popping up, re-direct your focus to these 5 good things.

Another strategy that may work (that I saw on Jay Shetty’s Instagram) is taping an old picture of yourself when you were little to your mirror. It should prevent you from being too harsh on yourself when you remember that you are talking to this cute, innocent child. 

9. Friendships 

This is pretty obvious and self-explanatory as we all know that having friends enriches our life, and happiness research confirms that. We cannot thrive in isolation. Not for a long time anyway. In order to thrive we all need to feel loved, appreciated and know that we belong. When you make others feel this way, the same feelings come back to you. 

Spend more time with people who bring out the best in you.   

10. Optimism and Gratitude 

In any situation, try to focus on positive aspects. Optimists are known to not only be happier but to also have more friends, live longer, and be more successful. How do you become more optimistic if you normally aren’t? Well, train yourself to find something good in any situation. Dog threw up on your carpet? Be thankful it wasn’t diarrhea and that it’s only an $80 carpet. Got a ticket speeding through a red light? Be happy you didn’t crash into someone else or get arrested. You get the picture. Try to look at the bright side of things. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes.  

During times of uncertainty (like right now), it’s comforting to know that the parameters of our individual happiness don’t change as much as everything else and that what was true in the early 1990s (or earlier but I’m not that old to remember ☺ ) is still valid.